Background noise

I miss my Mom every day. I still can’t understand how its possible. I feel like I was just at the mall with her laughing about something silly. I forget and in my head she is still moving around K-town doing her thing and then I remember that she is dead and will never be in those places again. Its not that I cant accept it because I do its that I don’t want to accept it. She used to read this blog, I could not post for a year and then post and she would read it that day. She loved me so much.
I don’t talk about it any more because no one wants to hear about it. I get it. Its sad and its hard to think about loosing your parent. But its there in the background all the time and it likely always will be.

Happy Birthday Mom.

I love you.

Leggs - I dont know how to use them

I believe I am a 100% failure at shaving my legs. First of all I never shave and there are a few reasons for this. One no one ever sees my legs but me and I do mean no one. Now this might be a sad reality but it is what it is. I don’t even like to look just happen to have to be there when I get undressed to shower. Second its insulation I mean on Monday when its 38 its perfect no need for socks even but it dose suck on Tuesday when its 80. But I would like to feel more like a girl instead of a boy with hairy legs ok lets correct that maybe a female monkey or something that has no access to razors. I also some how convince my self that I am saving money by not having to by the $15 pack of 4 razors that often. But what I have actually discovered is that its really none of these things. It is 100% that I just suck at it. I hate doing things I am not good at and after attempt after attempt its just easier to give up. But what will you do if you ever do date you might say well first of all that is highly unlikely just judging from my recent dating life it seams that well has dried up. But I understand that you should never count your self out all together so I do need to be prepared for such a unlikely event. But how I mean I feel like I do all the right things. I buy the fancy razors and good for your skin shave gel but still I come out of the shower every freaking time with huge patches of long ass hair surrounded by smooth spots. I have to say you need to be all or nothing in this situation I mean you just look ill when you have strips of hair some places and other places are fine. And the knees just forget it is like trying to clime the Rockies. Occasionally I will sit down at the tub and with great effort get all the hair but then of course when I do this I also end up with a huge cut down the majority of my leg. I used to be good at this and diligent I mean I shaved all time and was a master of my blades but recently I just don’t have the power I once held. Perhaps it is a reflection on my current reality and at some point I will be able to be a normal girl again for now I will just leave you with this. If you haven’t seen me in any thing other than pants in a while don’t ask and I wont tell.

White Cat

On my walk to work every day I have a moment with a white cat. Here on campus we have a small population of cats. I am not sure were they come from or who feeds them but there here if you look close enough. This specific cat has had a hard time as of late. About 6 months ago the brilliance of our maintenance department decided that it was a good time to rip down the flowerbeds in this one area. This area just happened to be were white cat stayed. I was of course worried for white cat because were would he go and were would they feed him. Well the ripped it all down and then just left it there a big pile of dirt. So then the cat starting coming to be big pile of dirt and being feed on the pile as well. This lasted about 4 months and then they started construction again and as far as I can tell they put every thing back exactly as it was. White cat disappeared for a while during construction and even after it was all seemingly done white cat was no were. Again I was worried. About 3 weeks ago Mr. white made his appearance again and every since then we have our moment every morning. It’s not much its just a little eye contact. He likes his space you see and at 6:45 in the morning I do as well. But we like to know that we are each doing well.

Stupid day of the dead

This weekend was Halloween, which is my least favorite “holiday” and this year I decided to really think about why it is I hate this stupid holiday so much. First of all I don’t even know you why the hell would I go spend money on candy just so I can give it to you? You need to learn now that nothing is free you have to work for every thing. I guess some would say they get all dressed up and this is them working for the candy but really I mean that more fun for them than any thing. Also lets talk about the costumes sure little ones in a pumpkin costumes are cute but teens in sheets are not and that runes if for every one else. But aside from all the things that I just think are stupid surely there is something that is the nail in the coffen so to speak and then it hit me. I believe I was 12 or 13 and I got all dressed up for Halloween in a gypsy outfit and was sitting out on the front porch waiting for my Mom and sister to get home and for the kids to come for candy. Now we lived on a dead end street and pretty far out of town so no one really every drove on our street except to go home and we knew all those people. So because of this none of our animals were ever kept in a fence they just ran around and stayed close to home. Well this night our dog just happen to be chasing our cat as pets are known to do and the cat ran across the street and the dog ran after her only to be hit and killed in front of me by someone from our church. I was to young and in too much shock to not realize she was dead right away I ran out there and tried to comfort her until I could figure out how to get her fixed up. It was the church friend that said “she is dead” I will never forget that. Not only have you killed my dog but you have to be a bitch about it. Any way after that I wrapped her up in a towel and put her in the garage and waited until my Mom and sister came home. I had to tell them when they got there and that was really hard. It was the first time I remember my sister being emotional at all. We buried her that night. I hadn’t thought about that night for a long time but it makes total since as to why I hate Halloween.

We should all be in therapy

My stepmother thinks I have made this great improvement since I have been in therapy but she can’t really pin down what the improvement is. This to me either means she wants to encourage me to go but doesn’t know how its helping she just knows I am fucked up and need help. Or she really has seen some kind of huge improvement in me. Either way I take a bit of offence to it and I am not really sure why. First let me be clear I not now nor will I ever be ashamed of going to therapy so I have no problem telling people I am in therapy and talking about it to who ever wants to know. However the things I actually talk about in therapy are simply between me and my therapist so when you ask me what we talk about I wont tell you. I mean I might say oh you know family stuff and personal stuff but in my experience if you ask me what I talk about its because your afraid I talk about you. Let me just clear your mind for you I do talk about you A LOT so suck it.

Cocoon

Last night I put my down comforter on the bed for the first time this winter. Yes I agree maybe a tad to early but I always jump the gun on this not ever really knowing why and then I remember. IT IS HEAVEN. Its like you’re sleeping in a giant cocoon of comfyness. Mosh loves it to so much so that he was on the bed before the comforter was even really in place. And then after I struggled to not disturbed him but still get the bed made he pranced around the house for a few minutes as he dose when he is happy. We also had a big storm last night that woke me up a few times but I was not disgruntle as I normally am when I am awaken because I get to fall back asleep in my cocoon. So bring on the cold because I love to snuggle up in my big bed with my wonderful winter bedding.