Thursday, October 29, 2009
We should all be in therapy
My stepmother thinks I have made this great improvement since I have been in therapy but she can’t really pin down what the improvement is. This to me either means she wants to encourage me to go but doesn’t know how its helping she just knows I am fucked up and need help. Or she really has seen some kind of huge improvement in me. Either way I take a bit of offence to it and I am not really sure why. First let me be clear I not now nor will I ever be ashamed of going to therapy so I have no problem telling people I am in therapy and talking about it to who ever wants to know. However the things I actually talk about in therapy are simply between me and my therapist so when you ask me what we talk about I wont tell you. I mean I might say oh you know family stuff and personal stuff but in my experience if you ask me what I talk about its because your afraid I talk about you. Let me just clear your mind for you I do talk about you A LOT so suck it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Cocoon
Last night I put my down comforter on the bed for the first time this winter. Yes I agree maybe a tad to early but I always jump the gun on this not ever really knowing why and then I remember. IT IS HEAVEN. Its like you’re sleeping in a giant cocoon of comfyness. Mosh loves it to so much so that he was on the bed before the comforter was even really in place. And then after I struggled to not disturbed him but still get the bed made he pranced around the house for a few minutes as he dose when he is happy. We also had a big storm last night that woke me up a few times but I was not disgruntle as I normally am when I am awaken because I get to fall back asleep in my cocoon. So bring on the cold because I love to snuggle up in my big bed with my wonderful winter bedding.
Family
Is it only me that doesn’t feel like my self around my family. I mean really they don’t know me at all and honestly if they did they would hate me. So this is the list of things my family dose that I don’t like to do at all.
1. Stand in front of a mirror together for hours while telling each other what’s wrong with the other and how to fix it.
2. Trying on every thing we own for each other for the upcoming event (and yes there is ALWAYS an upcoming event) so we can make a family decision on what to wear.
3. Needed to decided in September what the menu will be for Thanksgiving and its never Turkey so who gives a shit.
4. Pictures – we take pictures of every thing and if you don’t want in the picture you don’t really care about the family.
5. Birthdays – if you don’t send a card and sometimes call on every ones birthdays then you are a bitch and you don’t really care about the family.
6. Baby – this is a recent one. I don’t care for babies I never have that doesn’t change when I become related to one. Yes he is family now and I love him but they still scare me.
7. Poop talk – My family loves to talk about shitting and not just the act of but the way it happens, wear it happens and the reason it was so bad.
8. Talking about politics. I hate talking about politics because no matter what I am wrong and an idiot. 99% of the time I just keep my mouth shut because honestly its over faster if I do, but the 1% of the time that I forget is a nightmare.
9. Drinking. I don’t mind a drink every now and then but my family takes booze were ever we go. Christmas, vacation, around the block or any were else. I just don’t need a drink with every thing I do.
10. Family vacations – this is also a somewhat new thing. I think they think they are making up for the times that we did not do this as kids but here is the problem as adults we don’t like the same things.
So I will close by saying I love you I really do but we are not a like and we would just accept this we would all be happier. Or perhaps you are happy with the person you think I am I mean I do try to become whatever I think will make you most happy. This is my attempt to blend because I have seen what happens to those who stand out in our family and it ant pretty.
1. Stand in front of a mirror together for hours while telling each other what’s wrong with the other and how to fix it.
2. Trying on every thing we own for each other for the upcoming event (and yes there is ALWAYS an upcoming event) so we can make a family decision on what to wear.
3. Needed to decided in September what the menu will be for Thanksgiving and its never Turkey so who gives a shit.
4. Pictures – we take pictures of every thing and if you don’t want in the picture you don’t really care about the family.
5. Birthdays – if you don’t send a card and sometimes call on every ones birthdays then you are a bitch and you don’t really care about the family.
6. Baby – this is a recent one. I don’t care for babies I never have that doesn’t change when I become related to one. Yes he is family now and I love him but they still scare me.
7. Poop talk – My family loves to talk about shitting and not just the act of but the way it happens, wear it happens and the reason it was so bad.
8. Talking about politics. I hate talking about politics because no matter what I am wrong and an idiot. 99% of the time I just keep my mouth shut because honestly its over faster if I do, but the 1% of the time that I forget is a nightmare.
9. Drinking. I don’t mind a drink every now and then but my family takes booze were ever we go. Christmas, vacation, around the block or any were else. I just don’t need a drink with every thing I do.
10. Family vacations – this is also a somewhat new thing. I think they think they are making up for the times that we did not do this as kids but here is the problem as adults we don’t like the same things.
So I will close by saying I love you I really do but we are not a like and we would just accept this we would all be happier. Or perhaps you are happy with the person you think I am I mean I do try to become whatever I think will make you most happy. This is my attempt to blend because I have seen what happens to those who stand out in our family and it ant pretty.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Dear Monday
You are a bitch
It started with being late to work and having to pay for parking. Which also made me late which is really not that big of a deal because I am almost the only one there at 7. Then I created, printed and saved 45 rec letters which then all had to be recreated, resaved and reprinted (don’t ask). This seams to be easy task and it is however it takes a time and this took my whole morning. Then I got stood up for lunch and while its no ones fault it still sucks to eat and drink alone when you think your going to see and visit with friends. When I got back to work I had 2 post docs start in one of my labs and while I have the process pretty down now it still takes a lot of paperwork and time. At the same time I needed to create a budget for another professor, extend a visa for a current post doc and reimburse travel for yet another professor that did not by the way tell me they had been traveling. All of this is to say that I not only did not have time to look at any fun sites today but I barely had time to pee and I even stayed late. Then home were with in the first 20 min of being out side and smoking all the cigarettes I didn’t get to smoke during the day I received 25 mosquito bites (yes I counted them). Then after seemingly giving up on the day my sister and I went to get come chicken for dinner and in my gravy what did I find oh yes a large black hair. I do not have black hair. My sister explains it as Mercury being in retrograde or some shit I explain it as a bad fucking day. So to you dear Monday I say you can kiss my ass.
It started with being late to work and having to pay for parking. Which also made me late which is really not that big of a deal because I am almost the only one there at 7. Then I created, printed and saved 45 rec letters which then all had to be recreated, resaved and reprinted (don’t ask). This seams to be easy task and it is however it takes a time and this took my whole morning. Then I got stood up for lunch and while its no ones fault it still sucks to eat and drink alone when you think your going to see and visit with friends. When I got back to work I had 2 post docs start in one of my labs and while I have the process pretty down now it still takes a lot of paperwork and time. At the same time I needed to create a budget for another professor, extend a visa for a current post doc and reimburse travel for yet another professor that did not by the way tell me they had been traveling. All of this is to say that I not only did not have time to look at any fun sites today but I barely had time to pee and I even stayed late. Then home were with in the first 20 min of being out side and smoking all the cigarettes I didn’t get to smoke during the day I received 25 mosquito bites (yes I counted them). Then after seemingly giving up on the day my sister and I went to get come chicken for dinner and in my gravy what did I find oh yes a large black hair. I do not have black hair. My sister explains it as Mercury being in retrograde or some shit I explain it as a bad fucking day. So to you dear Monday I say you can kiss my ass.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Why trees?
I don’t really know if I can put a finger on it. It’s a lot of things.
There is something mysterious about them and like snow flakes there are not 2 alike. The leaves come and go and change colors. They can look almost dead in the winter but that’s when I like them the best. You see the bones all mangled and beautiful. I don’t cut them but I know that they have rings inside for how long they have been around. I really like that even though that’s not something you can see I just know its there and it makes me smile. I used to clime trees as a kid and it was to get away from this or that but the trees never failed me I was always protected by them. One time while staying at my grandparents there was a bad storm and the next morning one the trees that had been there as long as I have had been blown over. Even in this state were the tree will not survive it was still so impressive. Most of the ground around the tree had come up with it and it was like some one just cut out the tree and laid it on its side ground and all. You could see a lot of its roots and even the roots amazed me. Perhaps I need to find a new item in nature to admire and for a while I thought I paint to many trees I should find something else to paint. But trees make me happy and who cares what every one else thinks this is my art and I don’t paint for any one but me.
There is something mysterious about them and like snow flakes there are not 2 alike. The leaves come and go and change colors. They can look almost dead in the winter but that’s when I like them the best. You see the bones all mangled and beautiful. I don’t cut them but I know that they have rings inside for how long they have been around. I really like that even though that’s not something you can see I just know its there and it makes me smile. I used to clime trees as a kid and it was to get away from this or that but the trees never failed me I was always protected by them. One time while staying at my grandparents there was a bad storm and the next morning one the trees that had been there as long as I have had been blown over. Even in this state were the tree will not survive it was still so impressive. Most of the ground around the tree had come up with it and it was like some one just cut out the tree and laid it on its side ground and all. You could see a lot of its roots and even the roots amazed me. Perhaps I need to find a new item in nature to admire and for a while I thought I paint to many trees I should find something else to paint. But trees make me happy and who cares what every one else thinks this is my art and I don’t paint for any one but me.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Things I love
I love the smell of rain. It’s very fresh and earthy in a wonderful way.
Although I am 100% not a morning person every day on my walk to work I cross a bridge that allows for a perfect view of the sun rise. Its different every single day and beautiful every single day. It’s made even better by the fact that its just me and the sunrise.
My bed. I had horrible beds for so long mostly because I was young and didn’t think it mattered but when my hand was forced because of a bad back I took the plunge and purchased a big girl bed and I LOVE it. You spend a 3rd of you life there so it needs to be not only your safe haven but also good to your body.
Painting. I love to paint. I can’t describe all the good things it does for my soul. It’s like waking up from a good nights rest. Today someone told me they want to buy some of my paintings, which is insane to me. I just do it for me and for fun but to have some one else want what I created so much that they would pay me is beyond me.
Country night sounds and stars. I love that way out away from the city on a clear night you can see every star in the sky and you can hear all the little creatures singing.
Coffee.
Mosh. He is not my cat but I love him. Its actually good that he is not my cat because I apparently have really bad luck with cats but lets leave that to another blog. He is just so loveable and while sometimes he drives me bat shit crazy I still love that he is around and so cuddly.
Although I am 100% not a morning person every day on my walk to work I cross a bridge that allows for a perfect view of the sun rise. Its different every single day and beautiful every single day. It’s made even better by the fact that its just me and the sunrise.
My bed. I had horrible beds for so long mostly because I was young and didn’t think it mattered but when my hand was forced because of a bad back I took the plunge and purchased a big girl bed and I LOVE it. You spend a 3rd of you life there so it needs to be not only your safe haven but also good to your body.
Painting. I love to paint. I can’t describe all the good things it does for my soul. It’s like waking up from a good nights rest. Today someone told me they want to buy some of my paintings, which is insane to me. I just do it for me and for fun but to have some one else want what I created so much that they would pay me is beyond me.
Country night sounds and stars. I love that way out away from the city on a clear night you can see every star in the sky and you can hear all the little creatures singing.
Coffee.
Mosh. He is not my cat but I love him. Its actually good that he is not my cat because I apparently have really bad luck with cats but lets leave that to another blog. He is just so loveable and while sometimes he drives me bat shit crazy I still love that he is around and so cuddly.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Don’t come to my door if…
1. You want to save me. I am pretty self-sufficient and if I felt like there was something out there I needed to know or believe I would just go out and learn about it. You coming to my door while I am trying to nap, paint, eat or what ever will just piss me off not “save me”.
2. You are selling magazines. I don’t care any thing about magazines and your long ass introduction as to why you are doing this is a waste of time to me. I hate this one because I feel very torn, is it better to let you finish and not interrupt or should I just stop you now so you can save your energy for some one that gives a shit.
3. If you’re a child that is selling candy or cookies or any of that shit. One if I want candy I will go get it and two I never have any cash on me. So what you are actually doing is setting your self up for disappointment and making me feel like an ass when I say no. Plus I don’t like this because it’s a ploy I mean I don’t come up to your door with a puppy and say he really needs some kibble can you donate.
4. If you want me to do a survey. This one is a new one so I had to think about why I said no and was so annoyed and I think I have it. Surveys are to much like test and I have always done really really bad on test. I honestly didn’t even really listen to what they were saying but they seamed like 2 nice enough kids that were grad students so I know this was part of there education but I just want feeling it so I turned them away. And of course felt bad about it for an hour but honestly if I had done it I then would have resented them and they don’t want that so I think we all win.
If you are my friend you are welcome to come by any time. Even if you are trying to do any of these things because if we are really friends you wont be surprised when I say no.
1. You want to save me. I am pretty self-sufficient and if I felt like there was something out there I needed to know or believe I would just go out and learn about it. You coming to my door while I am trying to nap, paint, eat or what ever will just piss me off not “save me”.
2. You are selling magazines. I don’t care any thing about magazines and your long ass introduction as to why you are doing this is a waste of time to me. I hate this one because I feel very torn, is it better to let you finish and not interrupt or should I just stop you now so you can save your energy for some one that gives a shit.
3. If you’re a child that is selling candy or cookies or any of that shit. One if I want candy I will go get it and two I never have any cash on me. So what you are actually doing is setting your self up for disappointment and making me feel like an ass when I say no. Plus I don’t like this because it’s a ploy I mean I don’t come up to your door with a puppy and say he really needs some kibble can you donate.
4. If you want me to do a survey. This one is a new one so I had to think about why I said no and was so annoyed and I think I have it. Surveys are to much like test and I have always done really really bad on test. I honestly didn’t even really listen to what they were saying but they seamed like 2 nice enough kids that were grad students so I know this was part of there education but I just want feeling it so I turned them away. And of course felt bad about it for an hour but honestly if I had done it I then would have resented them and they don’t want that so I think we all win.
If you are my friend you are welcome to come by any time. Even if you are trying to do any of these things because if we are really friends you wont be surprised when I say no.
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