White Cat

On my walk to work every day I have a moment with a white cat. Here on campus we have a small population of cats. I am not sure were they come from or who feeds them but there here if you look close enough. This specific cat has had a hard time as of late. About 6 months ago the brilliance of our maintenance department decided that it was a good time to rip down the flowerbeds in this one area. This area just happened to be were white cat stayed. I was of course worried for white cat because were would he go and were would they feed him. Well the ripped it all down and then just left it there a big pile of dirt. So then the cat starting coming to be big pile of dirt and being feed on the pile as well. This lasted about 4 months and then they started construction again and as far as I can tell they put every thing back exactly as it was. White cat disappeared for a while during construction and even after it was all seemingly done white cat was no were. Again I was worried. About 3 weeks ago Mr. white made his appearance again and every since then we have our moment every morning. It’s not much its just a little eye contact. He likes his space you see and at 6:45 in the morning I do as well. But we like to know that we are each doing well.

Stupid day of the dead

This weekend was Halloween, which is my least favorite “holiday” and this year I decided to really think about why it is I hate this stupid holiday so much. First of all I don’t even know you why the hell would I go spend money on candy just so I can give it to you? You need to learn now that nothing is free you have to work for every thing. I guess some would say they get all dressed up and this is them working for the candy but really I mean that more fun for them than any thing. Also lets talk about the costumes sure little ones in a pumpkin costumes are cute but teens in sheets are not and that runes if for every one else. But aside from all the things that I just think are stupid surely there is something that is the nail in the coffen so to speak and then it hit me. I believe I was 12 or 13 and I got all dressed up for Halloween in a gypsy outfit and was sitting out on the front porch waiting for my Mom and sister to get home and for the kids to come for candy. Now we lived on a dead end street and pretty far out of town so no one really every drove on our street except to go home and we knew all those people. So because of this none of our animals were ever kept in a fence they just ran around and stayed close to home. Well this night our dog just happen to be chasing our cat as pets are known to do and the cat ran across the street and the dog ran after her only to be hit and killed in front of me by someone from our church. I was to young and in too much shock to not realize she was dead right away I ran out there and tried to comfort her until I could figure out how to get her fixed up. It was the church friend that said “she is dead” I will never forget that. Not only have you killed my dog but you have to be a bitch about it. Any way after that I wrapped her up in a towel and put her in the garage and waited until my Mom and sister came home. I had to tell them when they got there and that was really hard. It was the first time I remember my sister being emotional at all. We buried her that night. I hadn’t thought about that night for a long time but it makes total since as to why I hate Halloween.

We should all be in therapy

My stepmother thinks I have made this great improvement since I have been in therapy but she can’t really pin down what the improvement is. This to me either means she wants to encourage me to go but doesn’t know how its helping she just knows I am fucked up and need help. Or she really has seen some kind of huge improvement in me. Either way I take a bit of offence to it and I am not really sure why. First let me be clear I not now nor will I ever be ashamed of going to therapy so I have no problem telling people I am in therapy and talking about it to who ever wants to know. However the things I actually talk about in therapy are simply between me and my therapist so when you ask me what we talk about I wont tell you. I mean I might say oh you know family stuff and personal stuff but in my experience if you ask me what I talk about its because your afraid I talk about you. Let me just clear your mind for you I do talk about you A LOT so suck it.

Cocoon

Last night I put my down comforter on the bed for the first time this winter. Yes I agree maybe a tad to early but I always jump the gun on this not ever really knowing why and then I remember. IT IS HEAVEN. Its like you’re sleeping in a giant cocoon of comfyness. Mosh loves it to so much so that he was on the bed before the comforter was even really in place. And then after I struggled to not disturbed him but still get the bed made he pranced around the house for a few minutes as he dose when he is happy. We also had a big storm last night that woke me up a few times but I was not disgruntle as I normally am when I am awaken because I get to fall back asleep in my cocoon. So bring on the cold because I love to snuggle up in my big bed with my wonderful winter bedding.

Family

Is it only me that doesn’t feel like my self around my family. I mean really they don’t know me at all and honestly if they did they would hate me. So this is the list of things my family dose that I don’t like to do at all.

1. Stand in front of a mirror together for hours while telling each other what’s wrong with the other and how to fix it.
2. Trying on every thing we own for each other for the upcoming event (and yes there is ALWAYS an upcoming event) so we can make a family decision on what to wear.
3. Needed to decided in September what the menu will be for Thanksgiving and its never Turkey so who gives a shit.
4. Pictures – we take pictures of every thing and if you don’t want in the picture you don’t really care about the family.
5. Birthdays – if you don’t send a card and sometimes call on every ones birthdays then you are a bitch and you don’t really care about the family.
6. Baby – this is a recent one. I don’t care for babies I never have that doesn’t change when I become related to one. Yes he is family now and I love him but they still scare me.
7. Poop talk – My family loves to talk about shitting and not just the act of but the way it happens, wear it happens and the reason it was so bad.
8. Talking about politics. I hate talking about politics because no matter what I am wrong and an idiot. 99% of the time I just keep my mouth shut because honestly its over faster if I do, but the 1% of the time that I forget is a nightmare.
9. Drinking. I don’t mind a drink every now and then but my family takes booze were ever we go. Christmas, vacation, around the block or any were else. I just don’t need a drink with every thing I do.
10. Family vacations – this is also a somewhat new thing. I think they think they are making up for the times that we did not do this as kids but here is the problem as adults we don’t like the same things.

So I will close by saying I love you I really do but we are not a like and we would just accept this we would all be happier. Or perhaps you are happy with the person you think I am I mean I do try to become whatever I think will make you most happy. This is my attempt to blend because I have seen what happens to those who stand out in our family and it ant pretty.

Dear Monday

You are a bitch

It started with being late to work and having to pay for parking. Which also made me late which is really not that big of a deal because I am almost the only one there at 7. Then I created, printed and saved 45 rec letters which then all had to be recreated, resaved and reprinted (don’t ask). This seams to be easy task and it is however it takes a time and this took my whole morning. Then I got stood up for lunch and while its no ones fault it still sucks to eat and drink alone when you think your going to see and visit with friends. When I got back to work I had 2 post docs start in one of my labs and while I have the process pretty down now it still takes a lot of paperwork and time. At the same time I needed to create a budget for another professor, extend a visa for a current post doc and reimburse travel for yet another professor that did not by the way tell me they had been traveling. All of this is to say that I not only did not have time to look at any fun sites today but I barely had time to pee and I even stayed late. Then home were with in the first 20 min of being out side and smoking all the cigarettes I didn’t get to smoke during the day I received 25 mosquito bites (yes I counted them). Then after seemingly giving up on the day my sister and I went to get come chicken for dinner and in my gravy what did I find oh yes a large black hair. I do not have black hair. My sister explains it as Mercury being in retrograde or some shit I explain it as a bad fucking day. So to you dear Monday I say you can kiss my ass.

Why trees?

I don’t really know if I can put a finger on it. It’s a lot of things.
There is something mysterious about them and like snow flakes there are not 2 alike. The leaves come and go and change colors. They can look almost dead in the winter but that’s when I like them the best. You see the bones all mangled and beautiful. I don’t cut them but I know that they have rings inside for how long they have been around. I really like that even though that’s not something you can see I just know its there and it makes me smile. I used to clime trees as a kid and it was to get away from this or that but the trees never failed me I was always protected by them. One time while staying at my grandparents there was a bad storm and the next morning one the trees that had been there as long as I have had been blown over. Even in this state were the tree will not survive it was still so impressive. Most of the ground around the tree had come up with it and it was like some one just cut out the tree and laid it on its side ground and all. You could see a lot of its roots and even the roots amazed me. Perhaps I need to find a new item in nature to admire and for a while I thought I paint to many trees I should find something else to paint. But trees make me happy and who cares what every one else thinks this is my art and I don’t paint for any one but me.

Things I love

I love the smell of rain. It’s very fresh and earthy in a wonderful way.

Although I am 100% not a morning person every day on my walk to work I cross a bridge that allows for a perfect view of the sun rise. Its different every single day and beautiful every single day. It’s made even better by the fact that its just me and the sunrise.

My bed. I had horrible beds for so long mostly because I was young and didn’t think it mattered but when my hand was forced because of a bad back I took the plunge and purchased a big girl bed and I LOVE it. You spend a 3rd of you life there so it needs to be not only your safe haven but also good to your body.

Painting. I love to paint. I can’t describe all the good things it does for my soul. It’s like waking up from a good nights rest. Today someone told me they want to buy some of my paintings, which is insane to me. I just do it for me and for fun but to have some one else want what I created so much that they would pay me is beyond me.

Country night sounds and stars. I love that way out away from the city on a clear night you can see every star in the sky and you can hear all the little creatures singing.

Coffee.

Mosh. He is not my cat but I love him. Its actually good that he is not my cat because I apparently have really bad luck with cats but lets leave that to another blog. He is just so loveable and while sometimes he drives me bat shit crazy I still love that he is around and so cuddly.

Don’t come to my door if…

1. You want to save me. I am pretty self-sufficient and if I felt like there was something out there I needed to know or believe I would just go out and learn about it. You coming to my door while I am trying to nap, paint, eat or what ever will just piss me off not “save me”.
2. You are selling magazines. I don’t care any thing about magazines and your long ass introduction as to why you are doing this is a waste of time to me. I hate this one because I feel very torn, is it better to let you finish and not interrupt or should I just stop you now so you can save your energy for some one that gives a shit.
3. If you’re a child that is selling candy or cookies or any of that shit. One if I want candy I will go get it and two I never have any cash on me. So what you are actually doing is setting your self up for disappointment and making me feel like an ass when I say no. Plus I don’t like this because it’s a ploy I mean I don’t come up to your door with a puppy and say he really needs some kibble can you donate.
4. If you want me to do a survey. This one is a new one so I had to think about why I said no and was so annoyed and I think I have it. Surveys are to much like test and I have always done really really bad on test. I honestly didn’t even really listen to what they were saying but they seamed like 2 nice enough kids that were grad students so I know this was part of there education but I just want feeling it so I turned them away. And of course felt bad about it for an hour but honestly if I had done it I then would have resented them and they don’t want that so I think we all win.
If you are my friend you are welcome to come by any time. Even if you are trying to do any of these things because if we are really friends you wont be surprised when I say no.

Accident prone or just stupid….

This weekend I crafted a table. A few years back my stepmother gave me some bedside tables that she was getting ride of because the interior decorator said they must go. She wasn’t wrong that interior decorator they are awful and way out dated. They are basically pressed partial board in the shape of a circle at the top and the idea is you cover them with some kind of mini tablecloth that goes to the ground. At any rate knowing me she thought maybe I could do something with them. I tackled the first one when I first got them because at the time I was really in to mosaics with the little half glass marble things. So I made a pattern with the little half marbles of flowers and vines and grouted it and gave it to my sister for an out side table. At the time she had a covered porch but since then it was on a 100% none covered porch and the legs basically melted in to nothing. I took of the top and just sat it on a little table and it works just as well but as you might guess its been though the ringer and its looking pretty beat up. So the other day I found the other table and I thought you know I need a project and why not tackle this again. This time I wanted to do mirrors but like a shit load of tiny circle mirrors I thought that would be really cool until I priced a shit load of tiny circle mirrors. So after much deliberation I thought no I will just paint something cool on the top and then spray a clear coat to protect it and be done but even as I had the thought I knew I was cheating the table. So I went to home depot and walked around for inspiration and what do you know I found it. You can by like 6 foot X foot square mirrors for like 10 bucks and even the grout is half as cheap at home depot then at the craft stores (I know this but tend to forget it when its time for a new project). So I got every thing I needed and went home to get to work. And the first thing that needed to be done was to shatter all these mirrors in to little pieces I could glue to the top of the table in random patterns. This is were I thought to my self now am I really accident prone or am I just really stupid. There I was bear foot and with now gloves in fact I had a short sleeve shirt on and shorts so very little of my body was protected and by just cotton fabric which would not have done much. And I am slamming a hammer in to mirror, which is just treated glass, and it is going everywhere. When I was done smashing the mirrors my first thought was ok now how am I going to get up and walk any were when there is broken glass every were. Also very stupid was not wearing gloves when I sorted though all the smashed glass and glued them to the table. Then the final challenge was grouting some how I did this whole project with out one cut. But really a normal person would think of safety but not me no no who needs safety I mean hell I got annoyed when the guy at home depot said I should get a mask if I was going to spray paint.

I don’t feel like I have crazy high standards I mean I expect the same level of work that I am able to give. I don’t think I am crazy fast or efficient I mean I hold my own but I am not breaking any records so to hold you to the same standard as I hold my self I feel like that is reasonable. Not even the same standards honestly I mean just do your job correctly and in a timely manor and we will be fine.
However when it takes you weeks to do one task that I have asked you to do we have a problem. Because I know your work habits I don’t come to you for any thing unless you are the only person that can do it. When I have to ask you every day for weeks to do something and it is still not done especially when I know this task takes 10 min tops we are going to have words. I don’t know if you have really horrible time management skills or your work load is more than you can handle and honestly I don’t care you need to take action to fix the issue. When your staff members are coming to you and flat out telling you that you don’t know what your doing and when you do know it takes you weeks to get one little thing done you have a problem. Also I think it is hilarious that you think you will have no problem training the new staff members when you have no idea what we actually do. Honestly I would respect you a lot more if you just said “I have no idea what you do maybe it would be better if you trained the new staff” instead of dicking me around with this you wont be involved bull shit.
So to sum up. When I ask you to do something just know that my expectation is not for it to happen in 3 weeks. Also know that if I am coming to you it is because I can not go to any one else and you are my last resort. And finally when I ask you every day to do this task do not be put out or annoyed because you should have done this when I asked you the first time 4 weeks ago.

I am a new aunt now. I have no idea what this means other than from now on a small child will be with in earshot of me, which is never a good thing. I spent all day Monday in the hospital with some of my family and my brother-in-laws parents. The all day part was a little annoying but the worst was Brett’s mother. I had to leave a lot and just walk around to keep from hitting her. Her other son has like 18 kids or something ridiculous like that and so she sat there and told horrifying birth stories all day long. Its like being in a plane and having someone constantly telling stories of all the plane crashes they have been in. If you cant say something productive then shut the fuck up. Baby Brody finally came at 2:22 after an emergency C-section. There were all kinds of scary shit that happened but every one is fine now and resting. Kristy, Brett and Brody wont go home for a few more days now but every one is healthy and happy. I held Brody which was terrifying I mean I don’t care what any one says they are so breakable and I am very very accident prone it was very scary. But he is a cute little shit and has a built in family that loved him before they every meet him so that’s got to be a good thing.

Why people annoy me

1. How can you not tell you spit food every were when you eat
2. Don’t lie to my face and then get mad when I call you out on it
3. Don’t tell me how busy you are and then sit in my office and chat for an hour
4. Don’t ask me to walk 4 blocks to go get coffee with you when its 105 out side
5. How do you not know that your saliva gathers in the corners of your mouth like a drooling dog
6. Don’t try to be my friend when I know you talk shit about me behind my back
7. Don’t tell me there is not much you can do about ants overtaking my office
8. Respect my personal space – do not stand so close to me in a line that I can feel your body heat
9. I cant think of more right now but I am sure I will

Things I should do but don’t:

Put lotion on every night: I want to I really do but I never remember until I am already in bed and comfy so I just say oh I will do it tomorrow and then I never do.

Work Out: This one I have no desire to do but I am getting older and weaker and my joints hurt and I know it would be all around good for me. I would like to be thinner I just feel like its to impossible and I would just be setting my self up for disaster.

Make-up: For a long time I held steady on this one I mean I have never worn make up and don’t think I need to but I am getting older. Its not that I turned 30 and I am not hideous but my skin is splotchy and I just feel like it might be time. I don’t like the feel of any make up I have ever tired which goes for the one I am trying now but I am trying so we shall see this one may come off the list.

Floss: I do floss but not nearly as much as I should.

Thank you cards: I don’t do this for a lot of reasons really but mostly because I don’t spell well and there is no spell check on a paper card. Also it just seams like this old tradition that every one dose because that’s what you do not because they are really thankful. Luckily I don’t have things like weeding showers or baby showers were the “rules” say you have to send thank you cards out for. Also if we really break this down who keeps thank you card I mean we are killing trees people.

Eat right: Its not that I am a horrible eater or any thing I just don’t really pay attention and I should. I think I associate it with school were you have to count this and measure that and that’s to technical for me my brain just doesn’t work that way. So instead I just shut down and stop thinking about it all together. I swear if some one would just follow me around and tell me what to eat and how much I would be one skinny bitch.

Have more confidence: I mean this all boils down to self-esteem and I don’t have a lot of that but I do think I am getting better at it. I just need to do things like hold my head up and shoulders back, make and maintain eye contact and smile at people.

Flirt/date: I don’t know that I even know how to flirt I mean I think I do but its been so long and its important. Sometimes I think I am just dead inside when it comes to men I mean I don’t even look at the opposite sex as some one to date more of just another human roaming around the earth and that cant be normal. This is a self-esteem thing also but I need to get over that.

Blog: I enjoy blogging and being able to say any thing that you want or feel and not worrying what people think about it. Its like therapy but free I mean you get to get shit off your chest and no ones option gets in the way. I blogged for a while but then got really concerned about what people would say if I wrote this or that and so now I am starting anew and I don’t think I will tell any one were this one is.

What the...

A grey hair when did that happen. Yesterday I was making mud pies in the back yard. Today I have grey hair. This is all happening to fast and yet eerily slow. I don’t know that I sat around and dreamed of what and were I would be at 32 but I don’t think this is what I had in mind. I am single and I think I might always be and while I sometimes think this may be ok that is mostly just the insecurity and uncertainty of what to do about it. Because lets face it I have to do something I have to take an action or I am looking at what the rest of my life will look like. But what to do and were I mean I am a big old hot mess and its overwhelming to think of were to start. What is the secret do you love and accept what you are or do you despise what you are so you are forced to change. And then dose that mean your changing for a man or for you. Its to much I just need a someone to say “ if you do this things will change”. And lets just say that by some miracle I do meet someone my history with relationships is not that great I am sure I would screw it up very fast.

So lets just skip the fact that I will die alone and go on to this weird place I have created for my self professionally. My worry was always that I did not take the right path and that would at some point come to bite me in the ass. And in an odd way it has. I never went to collage and I could blame the fact that there was no money for me but the truth is I probably would have never passed any classes still I think would have like the chance to try. At any rate I had no plan but kind of just fell in to one and gained experience and started to realize that it was a great place to start. Since then I have used that experience to move up but now I find my self in an interesting spot. The problem I think is that I have priced my self out. The next step in my career would be to a position that may make what I currently make. And on top of that they want degrees. So is this were it ends? I mean really is this what my life will be like from now on personal and professionally?

And what do I do about this damn grey hair?